


Two Years is a Lifetime

by thechargrey



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: I wrote this because I didn't want to be mad at adam, Language, M/M, Minor Angst, Sexual Intimacy, Violence, sexual themes implied, so enjoy before the new season wrecks all my headcanons in a couple hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-24 17:00:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15634911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thechargrey/pseuds/thechargrey
Summary: Adam blames himself for Shiro's death in space, and he's not the only one.After Keith's disappearance Adam vows to find him, but the memories of the past keep breaking their way into Adam's thoughts.





	Two Years is a Lifetime

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT 8/10/2018: 
> 
> Well that was a rollercoaster. I'm glad I got this fic up before the season came through. Uhh...I'm not gonna change anything. I realize the Admiral is a woman and that there are other inaccuracies with name spellings and what people say and such, it was bound to happen. I'm glad that people like it! Be happy and read about two kids in love that never had a chance! Happy fic reading!

Adam breathed in the musk in Shiro’s hair moving his lips to his boyfriend’s cheek. Both of them were damp from sweat. A pleasant salty taste greeted Adam’s mouth as he moved gently, reveling in the pleasure of being so close to another person. As he went to pull away, Shiro tilted his head, catching Adam in a surprise kiss. 

“Let’s just stay like this for a while.” Shiro breathed out, barely making a sound, trying not to disturb the moment.

Adam obliged, allowing their foreheads to touch gently.

They stayed like that until their sweat started drying. The fan in the corner sent lapping waves of air over them, cooling them slightly one wave after another.

Adam began to doze. He was so comfortable in Shiro’s arms. His breathing slowed down; his heart rate beginning to return to normal.

“I love you, Adam.”

Adam’s eyes flickered open with a gasp of surprise. It was so quiet in the room a part of Adam thought he must have misheard or his mind made the entire thing up.

As soon as their eyes met, Adam knew it wasn’t his imagination. Shiro’s eyes were focused, steady, hopeful even.

“Shiro, I…” 

The pause made Shiro turn his head away. Adam had never seen his nervous before. But before he could think much of it, one feeling consumed his mind and washed over him.

Adam gently placed a hand on Shiro’s jaw and turned it back towards himself. When their eyes were meeting once more, Adam whispered, “I love you too.”

Shiro’s face lit into a smile. He closed his eyes and pressed their foreheads together once again, taking a moment to bask in his swelled feelings. 

After a second he felt his lips catch. Adam kissed Shiro with a fierceness that hadn’t been there earlier, not even during sex. There was a hunger there that he hadn’t known about until that very moment. 

They consumed each other’s scent, each other’s taste, each other’s sight, letting surges of feeling wash over them.

Adam felt a need to be as close to Shiro as he possibly could. To never let each other go. He wanted to spend an eternity in Shiro’s arms. 

The world continued to move at a thousand miles per hour rotating toward the sun without pause. Time moved at the same pace it always had, a thousand milliseconds per second, sixty seconds per minute, sixty minutes per hour.

But to them, they spent an aeon in eachothers arms, wrapping each other tighter and tighter. One being. Two bodies becoming ever more closer to each other.

Nothing could match that feeling.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Adam felt tears well up into his eyes. The forbidden thoughts had once again entered his brain. 

He hadn’t intended to remember Shiro, let alone remember the first time Shiro had told him he loved him.

Adam sighed. Allowing a single tear to break through his wall, but repressing the rest. A deep breath helped him calm his nerves. His body felt like there was a fire underneath his skin. 

After a few breaths the fire calmed into burning coals. A few breaths more and Adam would be able to pretend the coals weren’t even painful.

He sat up, running a hand through his hair. It was too long now, had been too long for a while. Definitely not regulation. 

He sighed again and began typing in the number on his phone he now had memorized. It rang a couple of times.

“You’re a great commander, but I can’t keep covering for you.” The voice at the other end of the phone told him, not even bothering to greet him. 

“I know.”

“I’m scheduling you a time with one of the Garrison’s therapists, you better make it this time or I won’t be able to make any more excuses for you. Do you want to be discharged?”

“No, I just...I…” Adam stumbled over his words.

“Need more time. Yeah, I’ve heard that before. I know you cared about him, but he’s not your brother and not your kid. You don’t have to do this.”

“That’s where you’re wrong Admiral. I’m the only family he’s got.”

“He’s lucky to have someone like you, but none of this is your fault. There isn’t a single thing you could have said or done that would have kept Keith in the academy after what he did to Iverson. Leave it to the professionals.”

“I feel like I’m close.” Adam pleaded with the phone.

“That’s what you said a month ago.” The admiral sighed on the phone, knowing there was no convincing Adam. “Be here on Tuesday.”

The phone cut out. Admiral Sonda didn’t have time to spend on these almost daily phone calls anymore. 

Adam sighed.

His days had grown longer. He could not afford any more time away, yet did not feel capable of getting up to teach to the students at the Garrison.

It had been difficult to lose Shiro. But then to lose Keith as well, made all his guilt surface faster.

He slowly got out of bed. Sitting up so his feet touched the cold floor. It was a slight shock to his system, a moment needed to boost his non-existent energy. Every day was a struggle. Either the cold would boost him into action, forcing him to get shoes and socks and clothes or it would do the opposite. It certainly made the warmth of his bed look all the more welcoming. The sight of the vacant half clamped his heart. Even years after the fact he had not stopped sleeping on the right side of the bed.

Everything was difficult now. More difficult than it should have been. Letting go of someone you love is never easy.

Knowing that he should have done everything differently was harder. So much of it was his own fault. He shouldn’t have fought with Shiro about going...he’d known exactly how hard that had been on him. He knew it better than anyone. Adam should have found a different way. 

He should have gone with him to Kerberos. Or if that wasn’t an option he should have done a million things different. But breaking it off? Leaving Shiro in an emotional state that he would have to contend with on top of his already failing body? As though that hadn’t been enough.

And then to not realize how badly Keith had taken it all. How much Keith was hurting too. He could have stepped in before anything had happened. He could have kept Keith at school. He could have kept Keith from running away to who knows where.

_ Pilot error. _ The words flashed in his mind. 

_ Pilot error. Pilot error. Pilot error. _

He knew what he had to do. The only way for Shiro to forgive him. The only way he could forgive himself.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Adam cradled Shiro in his arms. They had been together for a couple of years now. In all that time he hadn’t known Shiro to break down. Certainly Adam had seen Shiro cry before, but this was different.

He felt like he was intruding on Shiro’s privacy by being there somehow.

Shiro’s last physical had gone poorly. It was a shock to both of them. They had gone through flight school together. They’d fought tooth and nail to become the best pilots. Hours upon hours in the flight simulators had honed their skills over time. And then test after test with real ships had proven them to their commanders and admirals alike. 

They’d both been complimented for their superior skills, and they grew to acknowledge each others skills as well. But then as soon as they began doing real assignments the difference became apparent. Shiro was more hungry than Adam was. He wanted to be the best pilot not just for the glory, but for what it would mean for the safety of his crew and the success of his missions. He believed in what the Garrison was doing, and made a name for himself by his contributions.

Shiro focused his time on flying, and so Adam started focused his time on becoming a commander, so that Shiro would always have someone to back him up.

And yet one moment took all of the hard work away. Shiro’s dream of a mission in far space was never to become a reality.

And adam couldn’t stand to see Shiro feeling so broken.

“You don’t have to stay.” Shiro said, saying the words, but his actions proved a different feeling, clutching even tighter to Adam’s shirt.

“Of course I do. I’m not leaving you.”

The words hung in the air. Adam hoped that Shiro understood that he wasn’t just talking about now.

They would deal with this together. Adam wanted Shiro as a part of his life regardless of what that life would entail.

The next few months more tests were run. The news was grim, but it also offered Shiro some hope. He could continue to fly, but one day, in a few years, he would never be able to again.

And then a letter arrived. 

And once more Shiro could be found clutching Adams chest and sobbing. 

“Dear Pilot Takashi Shirogane you are to report to your Admiral on this next Monday at 1300 hours to discuss your impending honorable discharge--”

Eventually Shiro’s sobs quieted. His body still wracked, quacking silently, but had no more tears to shed.

Adam whispered into Shiro’s ear, spreading a line of gentle kisses over Shiro’s forehead while he did so. “Surely they wouldn’t make this decision without you. It’s probably just a meeting to discuss options.”

“They no longer believe in me. And they’re probably right not to.”

“Of course they believe in you. You’re the best fighter pilot of our generation. You just have to remind them of that.”

Shiro remained silent, thinking.

Adam didn’t want to leave him with only with hope if it might be false. “Maybe, I don’t know. Maybe you should come up with a contingency plan. I know you want to be a pilot, but that’s not the only thing your life has to offer. I love you and piloting is dangerous enough as it is without your health putting it all at risk.”

Shiro’s silence continued to fill up the space.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

Shiro nodded, but he wasn’t really paying attention anymore.

“Talk to the Admiral, but please think through every option. Piloting could be your life at stake.”

 

~*~*~*~

 

Adam hunted through the chest of drawers. He had done this 1000 times already, and it was always fruitless. He searched anyway.

Sweat dripped down the nape of his neck. He wiped it of quickly with a hand before continuing his search. The walls were bare, but evidence that there were once many posters and pictures covering them showed in the discoloration on the walls. He slid his hand gently of the corner of one such stained rectangle wishing for answers he knew would not come from the blank adobe walls.

Maybe Keith, in his hurry, had taken the posters with him wherever he had gone.

And yet Keith’s clothes remained untouched. Rotten food littered the kitchen. A dusty water bottle still sat on Keith’s coffee table. And yet, along with the posters, Keith’s lev-bike was missing as well.

It was as though Keith had intended to erase what he had been looking for, but had neglected to erase himself completely.

_ Or perhaps, _ the unwelcome thought sprung into Adam’s mind,  _ someone else had beaten him to the cottage after Keith’s disappearance. _

Regardless of what had happened, Adam hoped that either Keith or whoever else may have been there had missed something. There had to be something to find. It had been months.

When he realized Keith had gone missing the first thing that Adam had done was put out an EPB on Keith’s vehicle.   
  
Nothing had come of it yet. The police had no news to offer.

Due to Keith’s age they told Adam that there was a good chance Keith had just run away, and there wasn’t anything they could do about it.

It hadn’t seemed to matter that three other boys from the Garrison had gone missing at the same time. It hadn’t seemed to matter that Adam found the state of Keith’s apartment strange. The police were convinced that Keith, at least, had run away. And he had every right to do that as an adult.

Adam stopped moving through the drawer, sinking to the ground instead. He lay his palms flat on the wooden floor. He paused there for a moment, before raising his hands up and quickly slamming them down into fists.

“Where did you go!”

Tears welled in his eyes. He was worried about the boy, and knew it was only his own failures that had caused this turn of events.

Dust jumped into the air, surrounding him. It made his nose itch and his eyes water.

After the sensation cleared Adam noticed a muddy footprint on the rug. It was too large to be Keith’s. The realization sent a chill down Adam’s spine.

He traced the outline with a finger.

Something had to have been missed. On all fours he started to search. Checking for any sign that existed of what might have happened or where the boy might have gone. He pressed his cheek to the floor, peeking into all the tight spaces.

All he needed was one bread crumb. Whatever it was, just something to give him a start that he hadn’t been able to find in months.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Adam remembered hearing the shout.

He had barely been paying attention, shuffling down the hallway, unable to focus on his work or anything his colleague was saying. The yell had broken him out of his daze, and it only took a moment before both he and the other Garrison teacher were sprinting down the hall.

“What--!” He yelled, bursting through the door looking for the commotion.

Adam had been completely unprepared for the site before him. Commander Iverson was sprawled on the ground,clutching his eye, writhing in pain, blood beginning to trickle and pool beneath his grip.

A classroom of students were all yelling and scrambling over each other. Some trying to get nearer to the scene, some running further away. A couple had fainted in their seats at the sight of blood quickly dripping through Iverson’s fingers. 

And on top of Iverson was Keith, cat-like. Hand drawn back with a pencil soaked in blood inside his grip.

For a moment Adam thought he saw claws coming from Keith’s hands, but then it was gone, and he was sure he had imagined it. 

Adam was too stunned to move quick enough. The other teacher was the one who pulled Keith off of Iverson, clutching his hand tightly and making him drop the pencil. 

“Adam!” His colleague had yelled as he pulled Keith out of the door. “Make sure Iverson is all right!”

The sound of his own voice startled him into action. He rushed forward, helping Iverson up from the floor. The man was fuming, so angry he couldn’t even speak. Which was probably for the best.

Adam yelled at the students as calmly as he could. “Everyone take their seat! Don’t even think about leaving the classroom until we have another teacher in here!”

He’d then helped Iverson out into the hall and down to the nearest nurse’s station.

On the way Iverson had broken out of his silent state and started cursing. “Fuck that little brat. What a piece of shit, comes from pieces of shit. Bastard! Can’t believe--”

“I’d recommend you go back to silence until I leave your side.” Adam cut him off through gritted teeth.

Keith wouldn’t have done something like that unprovoked. He had a fiery temper to be sure, but he wasn’t murderous. Adam had no doubt that Iverson had deserved it. 

“Oh, I forgot, you have a soft spot for the little brat. You and your dead fa--”

Adam didn’t let him finish. He wanted to stab out Iverson’s other eye. Instead he drew from every peaceful moment he’d ever had in his life and slammed Iverson’s shoulder into the wall before walking back to the classroom.

“Find your own way to the nurse.” He had called back over his shoulder.

“I told everybody that Shiro shouldn’t have been part of the mission. He could have gotten an  honorable discharge if everyone had just listened to me, but instead we have two dead scientists and a dead pilot.”

The next few weeks had been hell. He tried to stick up for Keith, but it had been no use.

“He’s just a kid in pain. The only person he could call family just died in space and he had no one else looking out for him. I could talk to him, try to reach him. He might listen to me. We were close once!” Adam pleaded.

“Maybe if you had talked to him before he decided to stab Iverson. But I can’t do anything now. We can’t have a kid that violent in the program.” Admiral Sonda said as calmly as he could.

“But Iverson provoked him. You know he did! He then tried to provoke me in the hall.”

“That’s the entire point Adam! We all know Iverson talks out of his ass and a good commander or pilot or soldier isn’t going to let someone like that under his skin. I’ll do what I can to keep the kid out of prison, but there’s no way anything I say will convince people that he should stay in school.”

“But the Garrison is the only place he’s ever felt accepted. If you take that away there won’t be anything left for him!” Adam almost had tears in his eyes. He needed the admiral to understand.

“Then  _ you _ better reach out to him, because I’m doing all I can, and it’s not gonna fix any of this.”

 

~*~*~*~

 

Adam crawled around the floor, searching. He even lifted up the rug in some ridiculous hope that Keith had a secret bunker room or something. There was nothing.

He stood up, dusting off his knees.

Adam took a look at Keith’s shelves. A dusty stereo pulled his attention. He picked it up, feeling underneath of it.

If he were a kid looking to hide some piece of important information where would he hide it?

He placed the stereo he was holding back down and picked up another one. He felt through the corners of the shelf, noting nothing of any interest. 

He looked at the bookshelf that no longer had any books on it. There definitely wasn’t enough room on Keith’s bike to hold all of his books. If only Adam could have known what books he was interested in, he might have been able to figure out what Keith had been researching before he disappeared.

Adam picked up yet another one of the stereo pieces. He pulled it further and heard something rustle as he pulled at the cords. He put the stereo back down on the shelf before peeking behind it. He pressed his face flat against the wall to try to see what might have made the rustling noise.

It was too dark for him to see.

He pulled at the shelf, careful to move it slowly so that it didn’t fall over. He looked again. Now he could see all of the various cords leading from stereo to stereo. All the dust bunnies that had gotten wedged into the gap over the years were freed onto the floor. Adam sneezed, blowing them away from himself. 

But not before he saw the piece of paper. 

It fluttered down to settle with the dust bunnies. Adam wasn’t sure how it had ended up behind the shelf, but it had probably slipped behind there either when Keith had torn the posters off the wall or someone else had. 

Adam picked it up, not sure what to expect.

On the page was a graph. It had a bunch of dots forming a single jagged line. Adam had been out of the academy for a while, and he hadn’t studied very far into the field of physics even while he had been there. Yet, the line was something he recognized somehow.

“A fraunhofer line?”

He took the page and folded it neatly and carefully back along the creases it already had. Pocketing it, he pushed the shelf back into place before leaving.

What a strange thing to find. Adam wasn’t sure what it meant.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Two years.

Two years in space.

Two years...probably a couple more than that before Shiro would die.

Adam didn’t want to think about it. This mission. It was a death sentence. It was the last one Shiro would ever...could ever go on. But it also meant their time together would be cut at least in half if not more.

When Adam had heard about it at first he hadn’t been sure how to feel. He wanted to be happy for Shiro, but there was severe pain making its way up Adam’s throat. He didn’t want Shiro to leave. 

“Iverson thinks I shouldn’t be part of the mission. Called in the big guns.”

Shiro sat down on the couch, clearly frustrated. 

Adam didn’t want to agree with Iverson. It was the last thing he wanted to do, knowing how volatile he could be, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t want Shiro to go. 

“Well maybe he’s right. Maybe you shouldn’t go on the mission.” Adam wanted Shiro to understand. Wanted him to know how he felt. 

“You know how important this is to me.” Shiro said, biting back the bile in his throat. “It’s worth the risk.”

Adam did know. He understood that Shiro needed a mission like this before he was doomed to a life without flying. Shiro needed to feel important and useful one last time. Shiro had cried on Adams shoulder about it, and Adam had given Shiro his support. But did it have to be  _ this _ mission? Did it have to be so long and so far? Didn’t he care at all? 

“Takashi.” Adam said, placing his tea firmly on its saucer and making them clink. “How important am I to you? Every flight. Every drill. I’ve been right there with you. But this is more than a mission. This is your  _ life  _ at stake.”

“Don’t start that again Adam. You don’t need to protect me. This is something I need to do for myself.”

“There’s nothing left for you to prove.” Adam gritted his teeth. Hadn’t Shiro already become the best pilot at the Garrison. He’d won that title a thousand fold. “You’ve broken every record there is to break.”

Adam looked back at Shiro who remained silent on the couch. 

“I know I can’t stop you. But I won’t go through this again.” Adam said, continuing. He was furious, though he didn’t want to show it. Shiro might have been able to throw his own life away, but Adam couldn’t bear to watch. He’d already have to watch it in a few years time, he couldn’t accept that it might happen sooner than that. “So if you decide to go, don’t expect me to be here when you get back.”

He grabbed his bag off of the kitchen counter and left without another word.

The feeling of regret was immediate. Adam wanted to be with Shiro, wanted to hold him in his arms. But he knew that if he went back it would be that much harder to watch Shiro leave when the time came.

He hoped the plea had gotten through to him. Hoped Shiro could realize what it was doing to Adam. 

He spent the next week a total mess on a friend’s couch.

Every few seconds he’d check his phone hoping Shiro would send him a message apologizing and saying he wasn’t going to leave.

Instead a few days later Adam got a text with the words, “The launch ceremony is Friday at 10am.”

Another text followed it immediately. “Please come.”

And a third. “I need you there.”

Adam was already in mourning before he’d even set the phone back down on the coffee table. The tears came fast and thick. By morning he had quieted, his eyes puffy and raw.

He counted the hours until Friday. But he didn’t move.

When Friday came he woke up at four in the morning. He refused to sit up, refused to move from his position on the couch. 

By six he turned on the tv to watch some nature documentary. He didn’t hear a single word.

By eight his friend brought him breakfast. It was toast and scrambled eggs with a couple slices of tomato on the side.

By nine the eggs had gotten cold. 

By nine thirty Adam had realized his mistake.

He was out the door, running to his car. He’d never driven so much like a maniac. But the traffic forced stillness into him. He tapped the steering wheel angrily.

He watched from his car as the rocketship took off. The people in the cars around him clapped.

He cried.

 

~*~*~*~

 

The fraunhofer line sat on Adams desk for a week. Adam would routinely pick it up stare at it for a few moments before setting it back down again completely confused.

He had no idea what it meant. 

The first day he’d googled it to refresh his memory. “Dark features in the optical spectrum of the sun.” He shook his head confused.

After that he’d gone to one of the scientists at the Garrison.

“Fraunhofer lines? Why on earth would you want to know about something like that?” The woman had said.

Adam remembered the strange bootprint and missing posters. He didn’t want to drag anyone else in on this in case it got weird or dangerous. Plus he really didn’t want people to know that he was spending his free time searching a teenager’s desert cabin. 

“It’s not important, I was just hoping for a better explanation is all.”

The scientist nodded at him confused, but did her best to explain.

It was about as helpful as google had been.

Wednesday rolled around. He was woken up by his phone. 

“Hello? This is Adam.”

“Well I’m glad you could answer your phone at least.” Admiral Sonda said on the other end of the line.

Adam shot out of bed. “Yes...hello Admiral how can I help you?”

“What day is it?”

“What?” Adam asked confused.

“I asked you what day it is commander.”

“Uhh…” Adam checked his phone for a second. “It’s Wednesday.”

“I’m glad you haven’t forgotten how to read.”

Adam stayed quiet for a moment. He was unsure what to say. Then the conversation from last week hit him. “I missed the therapy session.”

“Bingo.”

“I’m really sorry. I would have gone this time, I just forgot.”

“I said it was your last chance, commander, or did you forget that too.” The admiral didn’t sound mad, just tired more than anything.

“Please, I really will go. I’ll schedule one myself.”

“If you go by tomorrow I may forgive you. You need to make progress. Your superiors need to see that you are.”

“Thank you, Admir--”

Admiral Sonda hung up the phone before Adam could finish.

 

~*~*~*~

 

“It’s all your fault!” Keith yelled.

“I did everything I could to keep you in school. I talked to the Admiral but he couldn’t do anything. It was too late!” Adam begged Keith to listen to him.

He had tracked Keith down as he was moving his stuff out of the dorms. He was being escorted by a couple armed guards, just to make sure Keith didn’t do anything stupid in his last moments in the Garrison.

“It’s not about that!” Keith’s face turned bright red and he slammed the box he was holding down.

“What do you mean? What is what about?’ Adam was suddenly confused. He wasn’t sure what to make of Keith’s feelings.

“It’s all your fault!” He yelled again. Keith sank into the chair in his room, suddenly too tired to stand.

Adam stayed silent, fuming. He picked up the box Keith had slammed into the ground. He heard the gently clinking of glass. Something inside had definitely broken. 

“ _ Pilot error _ .” Keith’s voice came out somewhere between a groan and a whisper.

Adam felt as though one of the broken pieces of glass had stabbed him in the heart. “What did you just say?”

“He needed you.” Keith’s voice was still quiet, pleading almost. “He  _ needed _ you. And you weren’t there.”

“I…”

“You WEREN’T there! I don’t care if you say you care about me. That clearly means NOTHING to you.” Keith’s voice began to get louder.

“What--”

“Shiro was already sick! He wanted to go on one last mission and he needed his fiance supporting him! He should have been excited to go. He should have been amazed at the opportunity! He should have been  _ FOCUSED _ ! But instead at the ceremony all he could talk about was how sad  _ YOU _ weren’t there.”

It was like someone had slapped him. Adam rubbed his jaw as though it actually stung. “No--”

“Yes!”

Adam didn’t say anything. He couldn’t think of anything he could say.

“ _ Pilot error. _ It’s like some kind of sick joke.” Keith let all the air out of his lungs. “He was the best pilot there is. There’s not much that could distract him...but you I guess…” Keith grabbed one of the boxes and left the room. By the time he’d come back Adam was already gone.

He just hadn’t been sure what to say. Keith’s words stung. But the sting was all the more deeper because Adam couldn’t deny that Keith was right.

 

~*~*~*~

 

The therapist’s office was tidy and organized. She had comfortable chairs. Nik-naks and other comforts lined the bookshelves along with all sorts of nonfiction and self help books with titles like, “Dare to Care” and “Let’s Talk About You.”

She sat across from him and immediately offered him one of the butterscotch candies she had in a bowl in the corner. He didn’t oblige.

“Well,” she said after a moment of silence, “you set up this meeting. Was there something you wanted to talk about?”

Adam wasn’t sure where to start. “Uhh…actually not really. I haven’t wanted to talk about it for a very long time, but the Admiral said he’d discharge me if I didn’t at least try to get better.”

“Well then, what did he want you to talk to me about?”

“Probably my Fiance’s death...and my...brother...that ran away.”

“Oh.” She said simply, allowing him to continue. There wasn’t judgement in her voice, and there wasn’t much curiosity either. The sound had been more like a statement of fact than anything else.

“He, well I guess he wasn’t really my brother. But, he was like family to me. A troubled kid, my fiance took him under his wing and then when he died I mucked up the entire relationship.”

“Hmm.” She said.

“It was my fault he ran away. I didn’t help him through Shiro’s death and he got kicked out of school. And then I couldn’t reach him. He blamed me for Shiro’s death, said it was my fault because I’d broken his heart right before his mission.” The tears were starting to come again. Adam wished he could stop crying.

“Well...do you think it’s your fault?”

“I don’t know...yes...maybe…”

Everything came spilling out. He told her everything about Shiro, everything about Keith. He told her about the first time Shiro had told him he loved him. He told him about Keith’s expulsion. Nothing except breaking into Keith’s apartment to search for clues and the fraunhofer line did he keep bottled up.

He talked fast and by the end of his tirade he was exhausted.

The therapist nodded at him.

“Sounds to me like it’s time for you to start trying again.”

He looked up at her, his eyes red and swollen. “What?”

“Look. I can’t change the way you feel about yourself, the guilt, or anything like that, those are all things you’ll have to work on, if you want to. I can help give you tools to try to work through that and of  course I can be an ear for you to talk to and a person who gives advice if you’d like. But in therapy you’re the one that will do the work. I can tell you places you can try to start.”

“Yes. Please.” adam was through being miserable. He wanted to be able to teach again, wanted to stop feeling so sad and guilty.

“Well, when someone dies most people start with simple changes, like getting a haircut or some new clothes. It can be helpful to make small steps that used to be normal to start feeling normal again. If you feel like you’re ready you can also start going through Shiro’s things in your apartment. You don’t have to get rid of anything, and I wouldn’t recommend you doing so until you’re sure you’re ready, but just going through his things might help make you feel close to him even though he’s gone.”

Adam nodded. He could do that.

He stopped by the Garrison’s barber on the way back to his apartment. It felt good to have a clean face again. He had the barber cut his hair shorter than usual. It was only a slight change, but it did make him feel a bit better. 

Back at his apartment he did the other thing she’d suggested.

Shiro’s things were strewn all over the apartment. He began  gathering them into a single space. He grabbed the second razor out of his bathroom and placed it gently into a box. He did the same with a suit from the closet and Shiro’s pillow. He took a moment to smell it. It no longer had a scent, and Adam wasn’t sure he could remember what Shiro smelled like. It made him go rooting around in the bathroom once more in search of a bottle of cologne.

While in there he bumped in to the coffee table book on the back of the toilet. He grabbed at it before it fell, catching it in his hands. Adam looked at it.

It was a book of the most beautiful canyons and mountain ranges in the Arizona desert. Adam wasn’t quite sure why Shiro had wanted to purchase a book of the desert when they could have just walked outside to look at it, but on more than one occasion he remembered thumbing through the pages.

He gently turned the cover over and opened it. The pages were stiff, full color photographs. They were truly breathtaking pieces of work. He slid his fingers under the binding and began to flip through the pages. 

One of them caught his eye. He flipped back through until he found the page he was interested in. 

Adam ran out into the hall, holding the book. He was moving so fast his socks almost caused him to slide into the wall on the other side. He ran to his desk and grabbed the page with the fraunhofer line. 

He slammed the book open on the desk, wrestled with the paper a moment before slamming that on top of it. He pulled the fraunhofer line off the book and studied the mountain range, then covered it with the line again. 

The silhouettes matched. 

He grabbed the book and ran to his car. It was a long shot, and it was probably too late to be going to some remote mountain range in the desert, but this was the closest he had come so far to any sort of a real clue.

 

~*~*~*~

 

It was a while after their fight. Quite a while before Adam had tried to reach out to Keith again.

Adam hadn’t try to reach out to Keith. He didn’t try to give him any source of comfort. He didn’t feel like he could. Keith’s belief that it was all Adam’s fault just meant that seeing him might have made everything worse.

Instead Adam stewed in his own misery. Breaking up with Shiro had broken him once. Finding out Shiro had died had been all the more painful.

Months went by before he dared to visit the Keith’s desert home.

Adam banged on the door. He couldn’t tell if Keith was home, but he did see a light on inside, and Keith wasn’t one to forget something like that. His lev bike was outside taking up space on the nonexistent yard.

“Please Keith! Let me talk to you.”

Adam banged a few more times. He wasn’t sure what he should do. He didn’t want to leave without Keith at least knowing he was here.

The idea of him writing a letter and slipping it under Keith’s door hit him. But keith would probably see it and throw it away immediately in his anger. 

He resolved to shout outside the door instead.

“I’m sorry, Keith! I should have told you the night you were leaving. I  _ tried _ to go to Shiro’s ceremony, but I didn’t make it in time.”

Adam paused. He kicked at some of the hard sand at his feet, loosening it.

He wasn’t sure what to say. He knew he had to say  _ something. _

“It probably is my fault, at least partially. I shouldn’t have broken up with him before he left. I knew it was important to him.” Droplets of water began to fall down Adam’s cheeks and land at his feet. It was more rain than the desert was used to. “I just didn’t want him to leave. I wasn’t going to get that much more time with him.” He leaned his weight into the door and banged on it once more with his fist, gritting his teeth through the pain. “I wanted to believe he was being selfish, choosing space over me. But he was just trying to live one more time.”

The tears fell freely now. He listened, trying to figure out if there was any sound. He could just make out some sort of scratching, like the person inside might have been moving furniture around or writing with a cheap pen.

“Keith,” he continued, “we can’t bring Shiro back, but I don’t want you to be alone either. Please…you were a brother to Shiro and you’re a brother to me too.”

There was still no answer. After a while Adam sighed and left. He’d come back again sometime soon. 

The next time Adam arrived at the desert hut, Keith was gone.

And he never came back.

 

~*~*~*~

 

He drove for an hour out into the desert. The sun was just starting to set by the time he found it. He compared the line to the mountain range in front of him, satisfied.

There had to be something around here. 

A few caves lined the cliff face. He peeked into several of them, unsure where he should begin. The flashlight on his phone lit them up deeper than he would have been able to see on his own.

It was probably the sixth cave he checked when he saw it. 

The first thing he noticed was the bike. It was Keith’s lev bike. Rust was starting to cover the exposed pieces of metal. Adam had known Keith for several years, and he knew that Keith wasn’t one to allow his bike to go without careful maintenance. 

He touched the bike, inspecting it closer. 

It was definitely Keith’s. Covered in dirt and sand, the desert was one of those places that didn’t take very long to reclaim items that were left in it. The bike could have been there for only hours or for months and it could have had the same amount of dirt.

But the rust suggested the bike had been there closer to the months estimation.

Adam inspected the cave more. He shined the flashlight around the walls, illuminating them. Small pictograms of lions covered the surface. Adam touched them in wonder. 

A noise began to sound and the walls of the cave started to shake. Adam ducked his head, covering them with his arms as sand and dirt fell on him from above.

It sounded like the grinding of gears or the sound of a spaceship engine taking off. 

After a moment the engine sounds stopped. Adam realized they had come from outside the cave, not inside like he’d originally thought.

He raced outside, careful not to trip, shining the flashlight over the ground. As he’d searched the caves the sun had set, and it was fully dark now. He could tell there was some giant robotic  _ thing _ in front of him. He could see the glowing of two large beams of light.

Headlights ten yards off the ground. In the darkness Adam thought they looked like giant square eyes. 

A metallic clicking noise sounded like the bridge of a spaceship being lowered onto the ground.

Adam raised his flashlight to protect himself wishing he’d brought some sort of weapon.

“Hey! We come in peace! Didn’t mean to scare you.” A voice sounded near the robot.

It was familiar. Deeper than he remembered, but definitely a voice he’d heard before. He squinted his eyes into the darkness, raising the flashlight up.

“Keith?” He said, as the light reached the boy’s hair. Except he looked older, like he’d been away for years rather than months. It was definitely him though. “Keith!”

Adam ran and tackled him into a hug. He dropped his phone along the way, the flashlight just barely lighting up the surrounding area.

“I’m so sorry! I tried to apologize but you disappeared.”

“Adam?” Keith asked, surprised. “How did you find this place?”

“I was at your house. I found the fraunhofer line. I couldn’t stop searching for you.”

“You looked for me?”

“Of course. You’re family.” Adam said, embracing Keith again.

Keith allowed himself to melt into Adam’s hug, only slightly as to keep his composure.

“Adam. Wait, Adam!” Keith suddenly said, pulling away from his grasp. “You don’t know.”

“I don’t know what?”

Keith gestured with his thumb over his shoulder. Adam screwed up his eyes trying to see what was pointing to. 

A figure slowly materialized out of the darkness. As it stepped slowly into the light of the flashlight Adam’s mouth dropped open.

“Adam?” The figure said.

“Shiro…” 

They were embracing before either of them could say another word. 

Adam’s hands wrapped around Shiro’s chest. There mouths melted into each other as they kissed. Adam breathed Shiro’s air, swearing on the stars that he’d never let go of him again. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> From Original Posting on 8/9/2018:
> 
> I hope you enjoyed my angsty adam/Shiro fic. I actually came up with this because I had a sudden horrible thought strike me while I was minding my own business one day. Which was: if Adam loved Shiro and was close enough to get engaged, wouldn't he have essentially have adopted Keith as his little brother too. But then Keith got expelled so clearly Adam left Keith to flounder.
> 
> And I didn't like that. Because I didn't actually want to hate Adam. So the natural solution to that was to write a fic as quickly as I possibly could and post it within hours of the new season coming out just so I would have explanations and wouldn't have to hate a character that I frankly don't yet know anything about.
> 
> Basically I fixed it just in time for the new season to come crashing down around my ears.
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoyed it. So excited for tonight!!


End file.
